a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it