Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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