Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
