you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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