Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You dont lie about slip and slides
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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