So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
my phone needs a breathalizer
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
