I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
