I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What a fucking waste of an outfit
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
God I need to hump something, right now.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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