Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
