successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
