My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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