If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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