Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
