I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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