i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
