I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
