smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
