After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Even my vagina gasped.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Floor bacon is actually really good
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
