Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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