Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
