Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
