I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
