I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
