I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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