Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
