i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
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I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
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You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize