Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
