My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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