I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
