Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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