I need to stop coming to work sober
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
