im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
