No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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