If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
