and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
