I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
