Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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