I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
