apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
