Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
