I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
