I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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