You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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