i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My ass is underappreciated
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
