If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
How's work?
Spinning.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
