what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
this will be a night to untag.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
