I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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