I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
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She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
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I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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