I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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