He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
