Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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