Where is the hickey?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
