Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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