YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
