As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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