I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
