She's JV to your varsity
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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